Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Holding on Tight

My mom stayed home with me and my sister throughout our entire childhood.  She was a wonderful mother.  She made us laugh a lot with her silly songs and goofy dance moves.  She always let us know that she loved us and that she loved being with us. Some of my best memories were spent in the car, going from place to place.  That's where she taught me to be slow to anger.  If someone mistreated me or my sister or even my mom, we would discuss why that person might have behaved the way that they did. She taught me how to identify if someone was jealous or unhappy or insecure. We sure did have a lot of deep conversations in that car! For my mom, it was important to find the reason why someone had inflicted pain so that she could forgive and move on. This skill has been very valuable to me as it taught me to take a step back, gather my thoughts, sort out my feelings, put myself in other's shoes, and figure out how I should respond before doing so.

Another thing I remember from those car rides was my mom throwing her arm in front of whoever was in the passenger seat, saying "hold on tight!"  We were usually making a last minute turn or pulling out in front of another car. We would usually laugh at how she used her arm to try to protect us as if it would really do much good in the event of an actual accident.  She would laugh with us and say that she couldn't help it, "it's just a mother's instinct."

This journey of infertility has been like one, crazy, car ride!  I have felt like that little girl, talking with my mom about how much this hurts and what I could do to fix the problem.  I've analyzed every emotion, every fear, every possible cause.  I've thought of every possible reason why God has allowed this in my life.  I've looked for and found the good in this trial.  I've searched my heart for idols and anything unpleasing to the Lord. I've worked on being a better mom, a better wife.  I've tried surrendering and guessing the will of God. 

It's been a LONG ride.  I'm exhausted from all the charting, the dieting, the emotional roller coaster, the thinking, the guessing, questioning God, my faith, my marriage... And I have no idea if it's almost over.  But I know it WILL end.  Every mile is one mile closer to the end of the ride.

As of a few days ago, IUI #4 is a confirmed failure. I used to be pretty devastated over news like that every month.  But now, I feel like that little girl in the passenger seat. All conversation- the questioning, the analyzing, the guessing stops, and God throws His arm out to protect my heart and says "Hold on tight! Don't let go of that joy!  Don't take your eyes off of Me for one second! We will be there soon. I promise."

He promised.

Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span. Exodus 23:25-26

Instead of feeling the cyclical disappointment and despair of another failed cycle, I just feel like worshipping Him and thanking Him that I am one step closer to the fulfilled promise.

I read further:

I will send my terror ahead of you and throw into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn their backs and run. I will send the hornet ahead of you to drive the Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way. But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.

I have met the enemy in his many forms.  He came to steal, kill, and destroy. And sometimes he did.  You see, all of that analyzing and questioning and doing this or that to gain more favor in His eyes was just me trying to fight a battle that He has already won. He will make the enemy turn his back and run. He will defeat each obstacle, one by one, but not all at once because my faith needed time to increase before I take possession of what He has promised me.

This is His battle to fight, His victory to be had. I need only worship Him and hold on tight to His promise. And rest in His loving arms.

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